Beacon readers: A parent from the Facebook group for Newton Parents reached out with this question, and I shared my advice below. Please email me with other questions at asknancigb@gmail.com.

Hi Nanci,

I was curious if there is an overall decrease in play dates or hosting at people’s homes since COVID-19. 

I have two young kids, 5 and 7, and have tried with various friends and local families and typically find that many people don’t reciprocate or propose a gathering in a public setting in return. I was wondering if it is because everyone is too busy with organized activities and don’t have time or energy to host in their house. I don’t think it is my personality as I would consider myself an extrovert with a good number of friends, but I am mildly frustrated by the lack of return hosting outside of a birthday party or play date in a park.

Is this a thing?

Thanks!
Missing the Play Date

Dear Missing,

Short answer? Yes, I think this is a thing.

And I love this question because it touches something many parents notice here in Newton but rarely say out loud.

I do think some of what you’re sensing reflects broader shifts in family life. COVID changed social habits in ways we’re still sorting out. For some families, inviting people into the home never fully bounced back. For many others, this shift started long before the pandemic. 

Over the past few decades, the sheer logistics of family life (dual working parents, overscheduled kids, crowded calendars, depleted energy) have made informal hospitality feel harder than it once did. Sometimes the suggested “Let’s meet at the playground” is less a rejection and more an exhausted compromise.

Another contributing factor here could be a fear of judgment. Hosting can feel weirdly vulnerable. Messy house, barking dog, sibling chaos, no good snacks—people can feel self-conscious about all of it, especially here in Newton where it’s easy to get caught up in the psychology of keeping up with the Joneses. If you want my two cents, I’d love for us as a community to do a little collective lowering of the bar. If your home contains children and at least one “doom pile” (a stack of unsorted items from mail to clothes) tucked away in the corner, congratulations, you are qualified to host.

But I also hear another layer in your question: reciprocity matters.

When you keep extending invitations and don’t experience much in return, it can stir up understandable questions. Are people uninterested? Am I misreading the friendship? Is everyone else doing this differently? Usually, I’d caution against assuming the lack of reciprocation is personal. The vast majority of the time it reflects bandwidth rather than relationship.

That said, your frustration may also be nudging toward something important: Newton can sometimes feel cliquey and even a bit lonely. Maybe you’re longing not just for play dates, but for a thicker sense of community. That may call for a little intentionality.

Instead of waiting for the reciprocal invitation that may never materialize, it helps to be more direct: “We’d love to come to you next time,” or “Should we rotate houses?” Many people actually welcome the structure.

It may also help to widen the definition of connection. A park meetup, a post-soccer pizza, a spontaneous “come over after school” can sometimes build closeness more naturally than the formal scheduled play date.

And if organized activities really are crowding out unstructured social time, that may be worth noticing, too. Developmentally, we know that kids need the low-stakes, invented, slightly chaotic play that happens in living rooms and backyards versus the kind of play that happens with sports teams and in structured programs.

I’m reluctant to romanticize some lost golden age of neighborhood parenting, but I do think many families are hungry for a more casual community than current routines allow. So yes, I think you may be noticing a real shift. But I also think there’s something hopeful in the fact that you miss this enough to ask about it.

People who initiate connection, even imperfectly, are often the ones quietly keeping community alive.

And that matters.

Keep trying!
Nanci

PS — Readers, I’d love to hear what you are experiencing related to hosting playdates and reciprocity. Does Newton ever feel lonely or cliquey to you? Have you had success building a sense of community? Please tell me about it (or ask any other parenting questions) by sending an email to asknancigb@gmail.com.

Nanci Ginty Butler is a Newton parent and clinical social worker.