Dear Nanci,

Every school year around teacher appreciation time, I find myself in the same uncomfortable position.

Newton Public Schools has a clear policy limiting gifts of monetary value to teachers and staff from individual students/families. Group gifts from the entire classroom are okay as are handmade or similar types of gifts that are not of monetary value. The goal, as I understand it, is to keep things equitable and avoid situations where families feel pressure to contribute large amounts of money.

Yet every year, I see parents sending their kids in with teacher gifts regardless. This feels super awkward for families like mine that try to adhere to the rules.

To be clear, I love our teachers and appreciate everything they do. I understand why parents want to express gratitude. What bothers me is the message we send when we openly ignore a rule that exists for a reason, especially when our children are watching.

Am I overreacting? Is this just a harmless tradition, or is there something larger at stake here?

– Not a Stingy Gift Giver

Dear Not Stingy,

I don’t think you’re overreacting. And I don’t think this is really a conversation about gift cards, teacher appreciation baskets, or all expenses paid weekends at ski chalets in Vail. This is a conversation about values.

Most of us would agree that schools should be places where all families feel they belong, regardless of their income, identity or ability to contribute financially. As you pointed out, the Newton Public Schools gift policy exists in service of that goal. It helps prevent appreciation from becoming a competition and protects families from feeling pressured to spend money to demonstrate they care.

The policy also protects teachers. Most educators I know don’t want families comparing contributions, keeping score or feeling obligated to invest in expensive gifts. They want to feel appreciated. They don’t want parents feeling stressed. More importantly, no teacher ever wants to be accused of having bias toward a student because of the value of a gift received (or lack thereof).

It’s possible some parents simply aren’t aware of the rule. But when adults decide that a rule doesn’t apply to them because their intentions are good, it’s worth pausing to consider the message that sends. 

One of the hardest parts of parenting is recognizing that our children pay much more attention to what we do than what we say. We can tell them that rules matter, fairness matters, and integrity means doing the right thing even when nobody is watching. But if they see adults openly circumvent a policy because they prioritize wanting to feel generous or because “everyone does it,” they absorb that lesson, too. 

Children are remarkably skilled at spotting inconsistencies. The lesson they may learn isn’t, “We really love our teacher.” Instead it’s more like, “Rules are optional if enough people agree to ignore them.”

To be clear, I don’t believe most parents who exceed gift limits are trying to undermine equity or model dishonesty. In fact, the opposite is usually true. They are most often acting out of generosity and gratitude. But the reality is good intentions don’t automatically erase unintended consequences. 

When individual gift-giving escalates, families with fewer financial resources can feel excluded, families who prefer to follow the policy can feel pressured, and teachers can find themselves caught in the middle of a dynamic they never asked for.

Fortunately for you, Not Stingy, there are plenty of ways to express appreciation that align with both the spirit and the letter of the policy, including things like a heartfelt note from a student and/or homemade baked goods. Or you can make a donation of any amount to the Newton Schools Foundation Honor Thy Teacher fund in honor of your child’s teacher.  

Organizing group gifts using classroom funds from the PTO that come from the class as a whole is a perfect alternative. Perhaps you can help facilitate that! Newton schools policy states that group gifts from an entire classroom are allowed up to $150 in value a year. I often hear from teachers that they also appreciate handwritten personal thank you notes; a class-created book of thank-you cards could be just lovely. These kinds of gestures communicate gratitude without creating financial pressure or inequity.

However, this might also involve you speaking up to gently and kindly share your perspective with other parents and caregivers. Sure, community is built through generosity of spirit among members, but it is also built through shared norms. And I suspect you are not alone in feeling this way. 

Sometimes the most meaningful thing we can do is agree to follow the same rules even when we could get away with not doing so. And that is a lesson worth teaching.

Nanci Ginty Butler is a Newton parent and clinical social worker. You can email her with parenting questions at asknancigb@gmail.com.