Beacon readers: A Newton parent sent this question in response to my first parenting column last month, and I shared my advice below. Please email me with other questions at asknancigb@gmail.com.

Dear Nanci,

Our family rule has been no social media until age 16. We made it after letting our oldest get it earlier and regretting it.

Now our youngest son is starting ninth grade at a new high school and wants Snapchat so he can stay connected with friends from middle school. I worry about the disappearing messages, the constant access to each other, and the parts of his social life that would happen in spaces I can’t see.

He argues that not having it will hurt his social life more than having it will hurt his mental health. He’s a pretty private kid but generally thoughtful about relationships and good at pulling away from people when things start to feel off.

So what do we do? Stick with the rule, or make an exception?

Holding the Line?

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Dear Holding the Line:

This is one of those parenting moments where two reasonable concerns are bumping into each other. 

On one side, there’s the instinct to protect your child from a digital world that can be intense, distracting and sometimes unhealthy. On the other, there’s the reality that for most teenagers, social connection now happens partly online. 

This is such a tricky dilemma for parents and caregivers. It leaves me wondering if the true “anxious generation”—the title of a popular 2024 book by Jonathan Haidt—is, in this equation, parents trying to figure this all out in real time.

Your son isn’t wrong that platforms like Snapchat are part of how a lot of teens stay in touch. Group chats, quick messages and “snap streaks” often function less like traditional social media and more like an ongoing conversation among friends.

At the same time, your concerns are valid. Features like disappearing messages and location tracking via Snapmap can create situations that are hard for adults to see and easy for teenagers to mishandle. It makes sense to pause before opening that door.

Here’s one way to think about it: Instead of asking “Is Snapchat good or bad?,” try, “What skills does my child need in order to handle something like this well?”

From what you describe, your son may already be showing some of those skills. The fact that he’s comfortable pulling back from friendships when something doesn’t feel right is actually a pretty important protective factor.

A practical next step might be to bring him into the conversation more directly. Ask him to explain what he hopes Snapchat will add to his life right now. Who does he expect to communicate with there? What does responsible use look like from his perspective? Can he think of any other options that will also work to reach his goals? 

Some families also ask their teenager to help outline the guardrails: when the app would be used, when devices get put away for the night, and what the expectations are around school work and sleep. Bonus points if you get him to create and present his case like a mini-Ted Talk.

That doesn’t mean the decision automatically becomes yes. But hearing how a teen thinks about the responsibility can be surprisingly informative.

If you do decide to experiment with access, it can help to frame it as something that grows along with trust. Many families find that clear expectations—keeping devices out of bedrooms overnight, limits on who he can be friends with on the app, and checking in periodically about what’s happening online—make the experience feel more manageable for everyone.

The bigger picture is that social media itself isn’t the end goal. What we’re really trying to do is help kids build judgment—how to handle peer dynamics, knowing when to step away, and how to protect their own well-being. As you know, those are skills they’ll need whether the conversations are happening in a hallway, on a group text, or through an app.

Like most (all?!) parenting decisions, this one probably won’t be permanent. You’re gathering information, making the best call you can for right now, and staying open to adjusting if needed. For more practical guidance on navigating kids and technology, I’m a big fan of the Digital Wellness Lab at Boston Children’s Hospital, which offers excellent free resources for parents of teens. Check out their helpful Family Digital Wellness Guide for teens. (Full disclosure: I’m employed by Boston Children’s.)

Good luck with your decision and please keep us posted on how it goes!

Nanci Ginty Butler is a Newton parent and clinical social worker. She can be reached at asknancigb@gmail.com.