Dear Nanci,
I need advice on how to parent my very irritable teenager. Lately, I feel like they’re offended by my mere existence. Most of our interactions involve one-word answers, eye rolls, or sometimes they’ll even just walk away mid-conversation.
Since we don’t have many real conversations anymore, I feel like the only time I talk to them is to ask whether they have plans that day, remind them about chores, or ask them to come downstairs for dinner. Then they’re annoyed, I’m frustrated, they think I’m nagging, I feel disrespected, and somehow every interaction turns into an argument.
I know teenagers are supposed to become more independent and pulling away from parents is part of growing up. But I didn’t expect to feel like I would be constantly walking on eggshells in my own house.
I’ve tried things like giving more space, talking more, talking less. Nothing seems to change the dynamic. Do I just accept that this is normal? How do I distinguish typical teenage moodiness from genuine disrespect? And is there a way to have expectations around chores and family time without every conversation turning into a battle?
– Walking on Eggshells
Dear Walking on Eggshells,
One of the most common things I hear from parents of teenagers is, “I don’t know what happened. We used to enjoy each other.” It can feel lonely and discouraging when someone who used to enjoy your hugs and snuggles now communicates primarily through sighs, shrugs and eye rolls.
The good news is your teenager’s irritability is probably not actually about you. It certainly lands on you, but that doesn’t mean you’re the cause of it.
Adolescence is a time when emotions run hot. Kids are trying to figure out who they are, manage increasingly complicated friendships, navigate school, extracurriculars, jobs, social expectations (and social media), college applications, hormones, and brains that are under construction. Irritability often becomes the language they use to express all kinds of things they can’t quite put into words.
Sometimes they actually are annoyed with you. Much more often, they’re just annoyed near you.
One trap I see parents fall into is letting the moodiest person in the house become the emotional thermostat for everyone else. Your teen stomps downstairs in a bad mood, and before long everyone else is reacting to it. We start tiptoeing, changing our tone, avoiding conversations, or trying to cheer them up. Or, maybe we get frustrated, angry, defensive, and even start yelling. Before you know it, the whole family is revolving around one person’s emotional weather.
Try being a thermostat rather than a thermometer. A thermometer simply reflects the temperature around it. A thermostat helps regulate it. Your job isn’t to match your teenager’s mood or fix it. It’s to bring a little steadiness into the room.
That does not mean accepting disrespect. It’s perfectly fine to say, “I’m happy to talk about this, but not if we’re speaking to each other that way.” Calm, consistent boundaries are much more effective than meeting irritability with more irritability.
It also helps to resist the urge to chase. When teens pull away, our instinct is often to lean in harder. We ask more questions, check in more often, and try to get back the connection we feel we’ve lost. Unfortunately, that usually has the opposite effect.
Part of your work as a parent is making peace with the fact that your relationship is changing. There is grief in letting go of the child who wanted you all the time, even when you’re excited about the person they’re becoming. One of the hardest parenting skills to learn is how to stay warmly available without chasing. Keep inviting them to dinner. Keep offering to take them for ice cream or a drive. Keep showing up. Just don’t make every interaction about chores, homework or whether they’re okay.
Finally, remember that your relationship with your teenager isn’t measured by today’s conversation. It’s built over hundreds of ordinary moments. Some days you’ll get a grunt. Other days you’ll get a ten-minute conversation in the car that reminds you your kid is still in there.
Don’t underestimate the power of simply staying steady. Your teenager’s job right now is to practice becoming an adult. Your job is to make sure they don’t have to practice becoming one alone.
You’ve got this!
Nanci
Nanci Ginty Butler is a Newton parent and clinical social worker. You can email her with parenting questions at asknancigb@gmail.com.